— Doug Gottlieb, this morning on ESPN Radio
Here’s the thing about most sportscasters today. They are too prepared, too polished - they plan out their “game winning” calls in advance in order to achieve perfect broadcast eloquence.
But the best calls are never planned, they aren’t complicated, and they aren’t necessarily eloquent - they are a burst of raw, unfiltered energy.
Example:
“The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the pennant!”
“He did it! He did it! Flutie did it!”
“Do you believe in miracles? Yes!!”
And today:
“And Dempsey is denied again - but Donovan has scored! Oh, can you believe this! Go! Go! USA! Certainly through! Oh, it’s incredible! You could not write a script like this!”
Nope, you certainly couldn’t.
New challenger!
Alex as Elvis (view while listening to Hound Dog for unbridled hilarity)
You got it, Eaglebird.
(click play)
Edit: Here’s a tiny version for tiny people.
If there’s anyone out there who plays DJ Hero but me and the guy who made this video, you can download this song free for the next 7 days. Great idea, halfway-decent mix.
This is Tim Kitzrow, voice actor/announcer of “Boomshakalaka!” fame, reading a line I wrote for EA’s NBA Jam one-liner contest.
He has worked on such games as:
and
…pretty cool.
It started like this…
And so…
This fall on TBS…
“West of the Kingdom”
By Tyler Perry
INT. Cleveland Cavaliers locker room - Night.
SHAQUILLE O’NEAL, ZYRUNAS ILGAUSKAS, and ANDERSON VAREJAO are getting dressed after a 10-point loss in game 4 of their playoff series with the Boston Celtics.
LEBRON JAMES enters.
(Audience cheers.)
LEBRON
Dammit guys! Is anyone going to step up and help me out there? I could score 50 points a game, but I don’t want be that guy – I’m not Kobe.
Shaq mumbles something.
LEBRON
What? I can never understand what you’re saying!
ILGAUSKAS
(Translating in broken English with a thick Lithuanian accent)
He say Kobe need to tell him how ass taste?
(Audience laughs.)
LEBRON
You do realize the Lakers won last year, right? That really doesn’t apply anymore. Besides, Kobe had 3 championships by the time he was my age - all you’d done was Shaq Fu.
(Audience: “Ooooooh!”)
VAREJAO
Worst. Game. Ever.
ILGAUSKAS
I know Shaq Fu - I play game. In old country, Sega send unsold cartridges. Always lose when Shaq fight mummy.
(Audience laughs.)
VAREJAO
You always lose, period, Ilgauskas.
Shaq mumbles something.
VAREJAO
What was that?
ILGAUSKAS (translating)
Shaq want to know if Varejao back for High School Musical 4.
(Audience laughs.)
VAREJAO
You son of a—!
Varejao charges at Shaq until LeBron steps between them.
LEBRON
Guys! We need to stop this and focus on the Celtics. Garnett is killing us out there. So’s Pierce. And Rondo…And Ray Allen.
ILGAUSKAS
So much weapon.
LEBRON
Exactly! Boston practically has an All-Star team on the court and all I have to work with is a bloated has-been, some old Russian dude, a crazy Brazilian guy who really does look like the kid from High School Musical and…
DELONTE WEST enters.
DELONTE
Denzel Washington!
(Audience laughs.)
VAREJAO
More like Yosemite Sam.
(Audience laughs.)
LEBRON
Oh great, it’s Delonte…
DELONTE
You guys see me out there? I was firing off three’s like, “Pow! Pow! Pow!”
West steps forward, shooting imaginary bullets from his fingertips.
LEBRON
Shut it, West. You went 0-7.
DELONTE
So I was a little off…
LEBRON
A little off?? You couldn’t score on my grandmother!
DELONTE
Your grandmother? Nah… you’re right, I couldn’t score on your GRANDmother.
LEBRON (confused)
Yeah… that’s right.
VAREJAO
Alright I’m out. Later guys.
DELONTE
Hold up, Anderson – I’ve been meaning to ask you something.
VAREJAO
What’s up?
DELONTE
You think you can get me Zack Efron’s autograph?
(Audience laughs.)
END SCENE.
—-
EXT. LeBron James’ Ohio Mansion
INT. LeBron’s Mom’s room – night.
LEBRON’S MOM is lying on her bed wearing a lace nightgown. She is perspiring slightly, clearly having just finished some “aerobic” activities.
LEBRON’S MOM
I’m so glad you came over tonight, baby. Ooh boy, you gave me just want I needed. It’s been years since I’ve had a man with your…stamina.
DELONTE (offscreen)
What can I say, Mrs. James…
DELONTE WEST enters.
(Audience: “OHHHH!”)
DELONTE
I just keep firing ‘em off like, “POW, POW, POW!”
Delonte fires his imaginary guns.
(Audience laughs.)
LEBRON’S MOM
I had heard you were quite the gunslinger, Delonte – but it looks like you’re packin’ more than just a 9mm.
(Audience: “Woooo!”)
A door slams.
LEBRON’S MOM
Did you hear that?
INT. LeBron’s Kitchen - Night
LEBRON JAMES enters, throwing down his gym bag on the couch.
(Audience: “Uh oh!!”)
LEBRON
Ma, I’m home!
After hearing no response from his mother, LeBron strolls over to the counter where he opens a Gatorade and turns on the TV.
INT. LeBron’s Mother’s room – Night
LEBRON’S MOM
You gotta get out of here!
Delonte scrambles around the room grabbing his clothes.
DELONTE
How?
LeBron’s mom scans the room, hops out of bed and opens the window.
LEBRON’S MOM
The window!
DELONTE
What?? We’re 3 stories up!!
INT. LeBron’s Kitchen – Night
LeBron takes another sip of Gatorade.
NEWS ANCHOR (on Television)
Well LeBron had a triple-double against Boston yesterday, but the King’s cavalry never showed up as the Celtics won by 10. Is there something rotten in the state of Ohio? More on this at 11.
LeBron turns off the TV.
LEBRON
Damn straight there’s something rotten. It’s called our bench.
LeBron walks upstairs and knocks on the closed door to his mother’s room.
LEBRON
Hey Ma – you in there?
INT. LeBron’s Mom’s room – Night.
Delonte and LeBron’s Mom are still franticly looking for a solution.
LEBRON’S MOM
Just a second hun!
She motions to Delonte to get in the closet.
LEBRON’S MOM (whisper)
The closet – go!
LeBron’s Mom straightens out her nightgown and hops in bed under the covers.
LEBRON’S MOM
Come in!
LeBron enters.
LEBRON
Hey ma.
LEBRON’S MOM
How was practice, hunny?
LEBRON
Terrible. I’m so tired of this team, Mom. I just can’t do it by myself!
LEBRON’S MOM
I’m so sorry, LeBron. I think I know what you mean.
LEBRON
Yeah?
LEBRON’S MOM
I need to tell you something, baby. I’ve met someone.
LEBRON
Really? A man?
LEBRON’S MOM
A gentleman…with a very…young heart.
LEBRON
Aw, Ma. I’m so happy for you.
LEBRON’S MOM
Thank you, LeBron. I’m happy, too. Now get some rest – big game tomorrow.
LEBRON
Sure thing, Ma.
The wind blows through the open window. LeBron and his mother both shiver.
LEBRON
Boy its cold in here – here let me grab you another blanket.
LeBron walks over to the closet door.
LEBRON’S MOM
Wait no—!
LeBron opens the door. Delonte stands wide-eyed in the closet, holding a blanket over his underwear.
(Audience: “OHHH!”)
DELONTE
Hey LeBron.
LEBRON
Ahh!!
LeBron screams and jumps away from the closet.
(Audience laughs.)
LEBRON
West!?!?
LeBron realizes that this is the man that his mother is sleeping with.
LEBRON (to Delonte)
You!?!
LeBron turns toward his mother.
LEBRON (to his mother)
Him?!?!
LEBRON
Delonte West in banging my mom!?!?!
LEBRON’S MOM
What can I say, baby – Delonte may have gone 0 for 7 yesterday, but he went 5 for 5 tonight!!
LeBron falls to his knees in agony while Delonte fires imaginary bullets in the direction of LeBron’s Mom.
(Audience laughs and applauds.)
1st COMMERCIAL BREAK
Alex
